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Survival Guide | Almanac

HOW TO SURVIVE IN THE WILDERNESS

Abadon Stoat and Salvi York have
Been there,
Done that,
Got the tunic.

HOW TO ESCAPE FROM QUICKSAND
Quicksand is just normal sand mixing with water from a spring. On the plus side, if you can get the sand out, youve got good drinking water. On the downside, you tend to drown horribly in it. When walking in quicksand country, carry a big stick. You would not believe how useful a big stick can be. Same with a towel.

As soon as you start to sink, lay the stick on the surface of the quicksand. Flop onto your back on top of the stick. After a minute or two, youll stop sinkin.
Work the stick to a new position, under your hips and at right angles to your spine. If you dont know what a right angle is, ask a passing artificer.

The stick will keep your hips from sinking, as you (slowly) pull out first one leg and then the other.
Take the shortest route to solid ground. Move very slowly.
Heres some tips, learnt through bitter experience: move slowly. No, really slowly. If you make a sudden move, the quicksand kicks back twice as hard. Spread your arms and legs, lie on your back, and think nice thoughts about not sinking. Keep ya back straight.


HOW TO SURVIVE A POISONOUS SNAKE BITE
Wear thick leather boots and long pants. Tuck the pants inside the boots. Have a talented restoration mage handy.
Otherwise, with you last dying breaths leave a marker for other travellers, warning of dangerous snakes.


HOW TO SURVIVE WHEN LOST IN A FOREST
When you notice that night is started to fall, find somewhere sheltered to set up camp for the night. It is difficult to see gaps between trees and bushes, and paths in the dark. Stumbling around in the dark often results in injury and can lead to death.

It is very important to have a herbalist with you so you know which fruits, berries and fungi you can have as a snack. Eating the wrong snack can result in illness, and may even cause death. If you do not have a herbalist with you, stick to snacks and other foods you know are safe. Remember to cook all meats thoroughly.

You will need to re-orientate yourself. The best way is to find north. Once you have done this you can choose the direction you want and off you go. If you start to feel lost again, find north again and continue the direction you want.

If you find a river, follow it. It is a well known fact that settlements grow up near water supplies. When you find a settlement, you will be able to ask for directions.
Make a note to self to bring a map or a Ranger next time.


HOW TO SURVIVE WHEN LOST IN THE MOUNTAINS
See if you can spy a village or settlement and head towards it. If youve cant, just walk down the mountain. If youre somewhere in the middle of a lot of mountains, choose a valley to head towards, preferably with a river as most settlements are built close to a water supply.

Make a note to self to bring a map or a Ranger next time.


HOW TO SURVIVE A SWARM OF FLYING ANTZ
These are a special breed of ant which look like ordinary antz except they are bigger and have wings. They are found in warmer climates and are just a bloody nuisance.

You only need to remember two things when dealin with flying antz:
1. Duck
2. Cover.


HOW TO SURVIVE AT SEA WHEN YOUR RAFT BREAKS AND YOURE BEING CHASED BY THE KRAKEN
Swim very fast in your studded metal armour.


HOW TO SURVIVE WHEN LOST IN FOG
Find a suitably sheltered place and wait for it to clear. If you were unsure of your bearings beforehand, do not continue to walk around. You will loose yourself further (only the very lucky will end up travelling in circles).
If after a few days, the fog has not eased at all, locate which direction north is and carefully and slowly walk in that direction. I say carefully and slowly because, depending on the type of terrain you were in before it got all foggy, you may not see dangers until you are virtually on top of them.

This is probably the only time when you wont need to have a map or pioneer with you.


HOW TO ESCAPE FROM KILLER BEES
If bees buzzin around or stinging you, run like a bastard. Swatting at em only makes them REALLY pissed off.
Get indoors as fast as you can. Remember to shut the door as well. And the windows. Block the chimney an all.
If you aint got a house handy, run through bushes or high weeds. Keep running.

If one of the wee bastards stings you, itll leave its stinger in your skin.

Get the stinger out by raking your fingernail across it in a sideways motion. Dont pinch or pull the stinger out-thisll squeeze more venom in. Dont let stingers stick in you any longer than you has to, cos the stinger is alive as well, and will keep pumpin poison into ya for up to ten minutes.

Dont jump in the pond--the cunning little bastards will be waiting for ya on the surface.


HOW TO FIGHT GIANT SCORPIONS
Scorpions have very thick skins so ensure you have a number of elemental mages with you who are able to cast Diamond Edge.

Approach very carefully watching for signs of movement. The object is to see how close you can get before they surprise you.

The winner is the first person to realize that they are actually stone. Surprise!


HOW TO SURVIVE WHEN LOST IN A DESERT
Walk to the top of the highest dune and see if you can see anything on the horizon. If you can, start heading towards it. It is advisable to not to journey at the hottest part of the day as this will only sap you energy more. If possible, rest in the shade of a handy bush or tree. If there are none available, make a sun shelter from your cloak and some large waking sticks.

You will also need to collect water at every opportunity as its very hot in the desert and you will get very thirsty,
Make a note to self to bring a map or a Ranger next time.


HOW TO LIGHT A FIRE WITH NO FIRE STICK OR INSTANT FLAME MAKER.
Build the fire as you normally do, making sure that there is some punk (really dry leaves are good) exposed from underneath the kindling (really dry twigs). Then, using a sword or eyeglass, reflect the sun's rays onto the punk. This should direct and intensify the heat from the suns rays onto a small area of the punk causing it to catch fire.
Patience in required as this may take a little while. Once this happens, gently encourage the punk to burn, and set the kindling alight. Once the kindling is burning, you can carry on building up the fire.

This only works in daylight when the sun is out and there are very few clouds in the sky.


HOW TO ESCAPE FROM A PYTHON
These buggers dont bite much. What they do do though, is wrap themselves around you and squeeze the life out of you through your feet. The big ones are worst. Ive seen one that was 40 feet long. It had just swallowed an Ox. Anyway, heres what to do.

Remain still.

Try to control the pythons head and try to unwrap the coils, starting from whichever end is closest. Dont panic.


HOW TO WRESTLE AN ALLIGATOR. AND WIN
If youre on land, get on the buggers back and push down on its neck. It cant bite you if its got a gob full of mud.
Cover the buggers eyes. Theyre so stupid, they think that if they cant see you, you cant see it. So like your not there. So it dont have any reason to bite.

If youre attacked, go for the eyes and nose. Use any weapon you have, or your fist. Bit bleedin obvious really.
If its gob is shut on summit you want to remove (like, one of your arms), punch it on the snout. The buggers often open their mouths when hit. They may drop whatever it is they got. Then again, they may not. See the point above.
If the alligator gets you in its jaws, dont let the bugger start shaking or rolling over. Itll rip ya to little bits
Try to keep the mouth clamped shut so it dont begin shaking. Get someone to stitch you together again afterwards, and clean the wounds properly otherwise you go a bit manky.


HOW TO SURVIVE A JELLYFISH STING
It is important when bathing at the beach, or swimming home, to respect the wildlife in the sea. One of the most widely found sea creatures is the jellyfish. Jellyfish may look like squidgy goo, but they are living creatures, and can be quite deadly

The buggers have stingy cells all over their body so that they can inject venom into you when you get too close. Survival (or lack of it) depends on:
A) The type of jelly fish.
B) Where it stings you.

Different jellyfish have different potencies of venom. Symptoms can range from a mild itchy rash, to swelling around the injection, to death. If youre swimming and get stung on the neck, and your neck starts to swell within seconds, and you are really strugglin to breathe, then youre a gonna.

If stung by a jellyfish it is advisable to do one, some or fewer of the following:
1) Use and anti-venom from you friendly neighbourhood alchemist.
2) Get the restoration mage with you to purify the poison out of the wound / limb.
3) Get a local fighter to cut off the limb. Better a cripple than dead.
4) Scream continuously while awaiting the venom to reach your heart and stop it, or while your neck is swelling up and making breathing impossible.


HOW TO FIND NORTH
There are four main ways to find north.
1) Find a tree. Find out which side the moss is growing on and ask the squirrel at the top.
2)Stand near a pond holding a stick. Spin around twenty times until dizzy and then fling the stick into the pond. Due to the interaction of the elemental forces of water and earth, the stick will naturally align itself North South. Note that throwing yourself into the pond and the stick into the air generally does not give the correct results. Beware of ducks, they get aggravated when hit with sticks
3) Follow any migrating sheep. Everyone knows that sheep, like all wool-bearing animals, instinctively travel north, where its colder and wont be so stuffy.
4)Face the direction of sunrise. Stick your arms out to the side. Keeping you right arm still, bring your left arm round to meet it (you may need to move your body). You should now be facing north.


HOW TO SURVIVE WHEN YOU FALL IN A POND
If you fall in a pond remove all weighty items such as armour and weapons and swim towards the shoe (I think I mean shore). Do not attempt to teleport as you will take some of the water with you.

Watch out for flying sticks.


HOW TO EVADE THE JAWS OF A MAN EATING MOUNTAIN LION
As the name suggests, man eating mountain lions are found in mountains. They are usually solitary creatures who are no longer part of any pride, and have found refuge in mountains. To avoid man eating mountain lions, it is best to avoid mountains altogether.

If you do have to traverse through mountains then you need to be very wary of these fearsome creatures. Do not under any circumstance let them attach their teeth to any part of your body. It is very difficult to persuade them to let go again, not without ripping that part of you body away from the rest of you.

One way to stop the jaws closing around you is to wedge a big strong stick in the mountain lions mouth, thus ensuring it can not bite. Itll get really may and may try and swipe at you with its really big claws, but at least it want bite you. This might be the perfect opportunity to try out those new sword / axe / mace techniques youve been practicing for the last two months.


HOW TO GET WATER WHEN THERES NO HANDY RIVER OR LAKE
Dig a hole and place a pan or bowl in it
Cover the hole with wax coated cloth wax side down.
Ensure the cloth stays in place by placing rocks round the edge.

Place one small stone in the centre and leave over night.
In morning you should have some water in the bowl. Boil it before drinking or cooking with it.


HOW TO JUMP OFF A CLIFF OR BRIDGE IN TO A LAKE OR RIVER AND SURVIVE
The important thing to remember is that from a height, landing in water can be as painful as landing on a big rock. There is a difference though (apart from the splash, actually, both make a splash, its just the colour that changes. Jump into a river, you get water everywhere, jump onto a rock, and you tend to paint the scenery red). Jumping from a great height onto a rock IS TO BE AVOIDED. Jumping into water there are a number of things that you have to do: hold your breath - bit obvious really; keep your ankles and knees together and your legs straight; go in feet first; and clench your buttocks. No, really. I cannot stress how important it is to CLENCH YOUR BUTTOCKS. Especially for women.

The things you need to avoid are going in too deep (if you don't know how deep the water is, you could be in for a nasty surprise). Going in head first, or going in with legs either spread wide or tucked up into a ball. In the last two cases, you will never be able to clench your buttocks enough.

Right, so when you hit the water, with your feet together and your sphincter protected, spread you legs wide (but remember to keep clenching) and this will slow you down. At the same time, with your hands held out to your sides at shoulder height, bring them around to the front, like you were clapping. This should stop you even more, so that your head will only go a chain or two under the water. Now, providing you haven't broken your legs, you should be able to bring your legs together and push yourself back to the surface. Remember to clench.

Peridor Publishing Inc take no responsibility whatsoever as to the accuracy of How to Survive in the Wilderness.

Peridor Publishing Inc take no responsibility for any injury or loss of life to anyone using the How to Survive in the Wilderness while travelling to visit friends and enemies